Xena Quest
by John Baber
It was a typically lovely spring morning in a nameless Macedonian forest. An unseen songbird whose ancient Macedonian name escapes me warbles its lovesong from high in the soft fir trees, and a red-tailed squirrel is carefully burying its treasure beneath a well-sized wasp nest hanging about ten meters (this is the Mediterranean after all) off the ground.
All of a sudden, the songbird pauses in its serenade. The squirrel stops digging as well. Sitting up on its haunches, the squirrel sniffs the forest air. Something is amiss. Following the basic squirrel strategy for amiss-ness, the creature scampers off into the brush just as a small spark seems to curl right out of the tree's bark. That spark is followed by another, and then another, until great lancing arcs of electricity begin raking the length of the tree trunk, lashing out at neighboring trees and filling the air with the peculiar scent of ozone and burning bark.
An unnaturally-perfect sphere of absolute blackness erupts out of nothing, enveloping a small sliver of the tree and part of the wasp nest. The electrical arcs seem to climax and then vanish, along with the sphere, leaving a circle of burning pine needles and a crouching male figure in the center of the blasted area.
I slowly stand up. I can feel that my hair is standing straight up and out, like when you are standing on one of those Science Fair gizmos. Pausing for a moment, I intake a breath. The air is cool, and ignoring the slight bit of smoke, I savor my first breath of ancient air. Ah! To be alive in the ancient past! From the vague historical references seen in that third season episode, this should have placed me within half a kilometer of the Warrior Princess. Now I only have to- my musings are interrupted by a most unpleasant stinging sensation to my backside!!!
"Yeowtch!" I yelp as I jump forward and whirl at the same time. My sight is filled with angry, swarming insects, behind which is a paper nest which has a neat little section carved out of it. Another sting plants itself on my forearm, and all thought escapes me as I begin running screaming through the forest as fast as my feet can take me. I painfully step on a pine cone, but don't feel it as succeeding stings increase their urgency to my senses.
Gabrielle dries her sienna-burned hair out with her sleeping blanket, flinging her long strands into the air to allow the steady breeze to dry it. She idly watches Xena rinsing her sword off at the corner of the pond, a small pool of blood spreading out from her blade.
"Do you think he'll ever be able to walk again?" the blonde warrior asks her companion.
"Well," Xena responds dryly, sitting up and slinging the water off her blade. "he won't be pursuing highway robbery as a career again, for certain." Walking over to Argo, Xena began rummaging through a leather saddle bag as she added, "You shattered his knee pretty good. Your undersweep has improved."
"Uh huh." Gabrielle mumbled, embarrassed somewhat. She didn't mean to cripple the bandit for life. He looked like he was nothing but rags and bones. But that didn't bother her as much anymore. Was it callous not to care as much whether a nameless thug could find a new trade? No, that would be up to the Fates, she decided. It was Xena she was more worried about.
"Who used up my sword oil?" Xena called out irritably as she walked over to Gabrielle.
"What? Oh, um, I was out of rubbing oil, and uh..." Gabrielle began, a pleading look in her eyes. Xena flashed her the look and turned away, hurriedly drying every drop of moisture off of her sword with a rag. Gabrielle bit her lip and took a breath. Walking over behind Xena, she placed her hand on the warrior's shoulder and softly asked, "Do you want to talk about it?"
"What do you mean?" Xena replied dismissively. But then again, that's how she always talked. Gabrielle tried again.
"That bandit." Gabrielle continued. "You nearly severed his entire head."
Xena turned to face her bard. Her bard, she mulled over in her mind. Xena blinked once and considered how to gather up the right words. She rarely killed now in front of Gabrielle, and only then in the direst life-or-death situations. How to explain her brutal reaction?
"When I saw him slash your back open with his knife, I assumed the worst. I had to get him out of the way as fast as possible." Xena's eyes hardened as she continued. "I didn't know he had only cut your bili... uh, green bra tunic."
"I understand..." Gabrielle responded, searching for something more in Xena's eyes. Between running into Joxer's brother, the King of Thieves, and the outcast Queen of Egypt, she hadn't much time to ask Xena about Lao Ma. Maybe now she would finally feel the time was right to tell her more.
"It's time I told you about my... relationship with Lao Ma." Xena finally said, averting her gaze from the intense stare of the younger woman before her. "And how it affects... us."
Gabrielle waited expectantly, swallowing hard. Her stomach was full of butterflies. Oh gosh, maybe this wasn't such a good time to bring this up! What is she going to say? Xena's eyes rose up to meet hers, and she began to speak. Just then Xena's eyes grew wide, and her head snapped to the side.
"What in Tartarus..." Xena swore as she stepped back, raising her sword. Gabrielle looked at her, and then towards where she was looking and it was then that she heard someone screaming.
"Ahhhhhhh!!!!!!!" I scream as I run right towards the body of water I saw through the trees. With my first step splashing into the water, I take a deep breath and leap headlong into the green water, uncaring of its state of stagnation.
I submerge myself completely, and begin swimming towards the center of the pond. I can't remember how long I can hold my breath, but I'm gonna try to break that record and hope the bugs go away.
Xena lowered her sword and looked at Gabrielle. The bard's eyes were wide open, and she just let her mouth hang open as she looked back at Xena, her face filling with an expression of merriment. They had just watched a pale, naked man run screaming from the woods to dive right into the pond. He disappeared with just a slight ripple, giving Gabrielle the impression he knew how to swim. A flurry of bubbles came up, but other than that, the water grew calm again.
After about a minute I carefully poke my head up, and find to my delight that the wretched creatures have indeed departed. This is not going to plan...I think to myself as I catch sight of two women standing on the pond shore, and they take my breath away.
There's Xena, as breath-takingly beautiful as I thought she would look. She wasn't as tanned as LL's Lyla portrayal, but who cares! I allow myself to sink up a bit as I take in her companion, all auburn.. no, sienna and green, it's oh-so-perky Gabrielle! Now, if I can just remember my ancient greek, or was that Koine? No matter. I gingerly begin swimming to their shore, hoping Xena won't shish-kabob me on sight.
"Heh-heh-heh," I chuckle, waving off to the side of the lake, "Wasps! They sure are a pain!"
"He doesn't sound Greek." Xena whispers to Gabrielle, her sword still held at the ready. "Although he reminds me of Joxer."
"He sounds like one of those Egyptian bards who learnt greek off a papyrus..." Gabrielle declared, eyeing me as a possibly insane man.
Drawing myself up, I give the speech I've been preparing to give for years. "Greetings, Warrior Princess and Companion. I am... Ogami."
Silence. Hmmmm... Did I leave something out?
Without even turning her head, Xena coolly says to Gabrielle, "His name sounds Khitan, but he looks Semitic to me."
"Definitely Semitic, maybe an Israelite?" Gabrielle offers, furrowing her brow as she places her fingertip on her chin, a smirk appearing on her all-too-cute features.
I feel a definite chill coming on, and look down. Blushing furiously, I quickly drop back into the water, up to my neck. Cripes! I forgot that the timeball doesn't transport any possessions back into the past. My clothing was left in the future! Gotta explain fast.
"Uh, no, I'm not a H-Hebrew." I stammer, partially from the cold. "I'm from a far away..." I stop myself. I can't tell them the truth! They would never understand, despite what some of those fan fiction writers would have you believe. I know...
"I apologize for my nudity. As a boy, I was caught in a Khitan rice picker." I state plainly, hoping they buy it.
At their continued silence, I decide to ask, "Would either of you have something I could wear, I seem to have misplaced my clothing."
At this, Xena throws me a rust-stained cloth, which I realize is blood as I wrap it around me.
"So, you've heard of me?" Xena states coldly, not lowering her blade.
Hmmm, now what was that list Minya rattled off in that episode? Oh yes. "Yes, you unchained Prometheus, slew Callisto,..." Ate out Lao Ma..., I thought to myself. "and subdued The Horde!" I say through chattering teeth.
"The Horde?" Gabrielle asks as she hands me her sleeping blanket.
I pause to luxuriantly wrap Gabrielle's own sleeping blanket around me. How many Xenites have yearned for this? Ahhh... I pause in my revelry to sniff the blanket, and intake the scent contained within. Mmmmm... The scent of Gabrielle.... I adopt the expression Homer Simpson has when contemplating a donut.
"Ahem, " Gabrielle cleared her throat. "What have you heard about the Horde?"
"Oh! Well..." I considered the matter. The Athenian soldiers who passed on the account of my heroines' encounter with the Horde would have left out all that nonsense about the Kaltaka, uh water. Okay, that seems about right.
"I've heard of how you rallied a few scattered survivors to destroy an entire Horde army, leaving their lifeless husks as a reminder for the barbarians never to mess with civilized Athenians!" That should do it.
Gabrielle frowned while Xena smirked a little, lowering her sword. "Well, that sounds typical. Do you know where you are?"
"Somewhere to the east of the Mediterranean?" I reply.
Perhaps because I appear to be in a daze (Time travel can do that, you know), or perhaps because she doesn't like strange nude men running out of the forest, Xena says "Well, you can't come with us. You're about a day's travel from Atreus. Just travel that way and you'll find it alright. Don't follow us." She added with a cold stare. "We've just dealt with some bandits, and I'm not in the mood for strange men. You don't want to join them in Tartarus." she concluded, glancing sharply at Gabrielle.
Hmmm. Something unspoken between them? I wonder what. Oh well. I step up to Gabrielle, finally feeling warmed again. "And you must be..."
She put her hands on her hips (Geez, what a view! Just don't drool on her!) and waits for me to complete my sentence. What's the proper way to handle this?
"Lariel!" I say with a certain nod, a knowing smile on my face.
Gabrielle feigned enlightenment and gave a half-chuckle reserved only for Joxer, or for Xena during a PMS moment.
"Say, would you know where I could get some real clothing, maybe a sword?" I ask.
"Xena?" Gabrielle asks, turning for approval to her companion. Xena considers for a moment and then nods. Gabrielle says, "There are some bandits up the trail that way that we fought. They've probably been stripped already, but you can look."
I thank her and move off. After about twenty minutes walk I come across a grisly scene. There lies two warriors, both are bloody, and one appears to have had his head nearly cut off. All that held the head to the body was a small flap of skin.
Magnificent... I thought, A perfect stroke worthy of Itto Ogami.
The bodies appeared to have been rifled of possessions, but one of the warrior's armor and clothing remained. I put on what I could (that which was not soiled with blood or waste) and noticed a sword that had been stomped into the damp earth. Lifting it up, I balanced it on my finger, and frowned. This sword had no balance, and would snap if stressed... about here! I thought as I flipped it up in the air and broke it in half with my other hand. The pieces clattered to the ground, and I returned to the pond, where, I was relieved to see, my two heroines were still there, although they were packing to move on.
"Here is your sleeping blanket back, uh..." I say as I offer the prized garment to her. I'm going to miss it.
"It's Gabrielle, and it's not mine." Gabrielle corrects as she takes it. "It's Argo's."
Argo whinnies and bucks her head, looking at me.
"Uh yeah, thanks Argo." I say as I turn to leave. Then I turn back to Gabrielle.
"Oh, one more thing..." I say as I peer intently into Gabrielle's gorgeous eyes. "Thanks!" I finish, turning away from her. So that's what her actual eye color is... I think to myself. Boy, there's people on the Web who would kill to know this! Heh heh heh...
"I must bid you good travels, ladies." I said as I wave to them to set out for Atreus. "May all of your differences be small ones." I add with a subdued grin, setting off.
I happily let them go, for I know that I will encounter them again soon.
Some time later...
"Ho brave warrior!" I broadly call out to the rapidly approaching figure. "Might I trouble you for a few words?"
"Sorry!" the figure continues past me. "I'm on an important mission!"
"Say... aren't you Joxer the Magnificent?" I slyly call out as he passes.
"Yeah?" Joxer says, turning. "I mean, yeah, that's me. And who are you?"
"Name's Ogami. The Lord of Swords." I state as straight-faced as possible.
"Oh yeah? Well I'm the Master of Mayhem." Joxer responds, puffing himself up proudly.
"So I've heard." I continue, and ask, "So where are you off to now?"
"Got a message to deliver to some friends of mine." Joxer says as he shifts back and forth, clearly wanting to leave, but not so eager to stop talking to someone who doesn't actually despise him.
"You wouldn't mean Xena would you?" I coyly throw in, my eyes trailing off to the sky. I've got to keep from laughing. I love Joxer, and would always defend him from those on the Net who hate him, er, will hate him. But how could this guy even survive from day to day in the ancient world?
"How many do you count?" Gabrielle asks, flipping her staff up to its proper stance.
"Eighteen." Xena coolly responds, fingering her Chakram. "Just stay close to me."
"Now's my chance to try out my 'Staff Shield'." Gabrielle whispers to herself.
A swarthy one-eyed man steps forward, confident in his power as his associates gather in a wide circle around their prey. He speaks: "There is a toll to pay for passing through Axe-finger territory. Who do you think you are, huh?"
"That's Whom." Gabrielle offers innocently. The gang leader does a slow burn.
Xena turns to look at her, and Gabrielle lets out a grin, "Little joke."
"Well, we don't want to pay your toll." Xena states in that unique way of hers. "Why don't you boys just play nice and beat it before someone gets hurt?" as she draws her sword.
"You've seen her??" Joxer cried, delighted he was on the right path, which must be unusual for him. I tell him about my encounter with them, along with where I think (know) they are heading. He agrees to set off with me, mumbling something about needing a sidekick.
"What'cha got in the basket?" I ask to make idle conversation, as we briskly walk along.
"Oh, just some tomatoes for me and Gabby...uh Xena." Joxer replies, holding up the basket. "Why, you want one?"
I take one of the proffered tomatoes out of the basket and stare at it.
"[This can't be real...]" I say incredulously in English.
"Yahh!!!" Gabrielle cries. Separated from Xena for the moment, Gabrielle cracks her amazon staff against the temple of one ruffian, only to have two more take his place. Dodging to the side, she inhales deeply, preparing herself for the new technique she's been practicing. Twirling her staff like a baton over her head, Gabrielle begins rolling its twirling path all around her. Three bandits strike at her simultaneously, with two swords and a club. All find their blows deflected away by the young woman before them, and as shock sets in, the tallest of them has three of his ribs shattered by her follow-up blow, and the second has his knees taken out from under him as Gabrielle spins out of her form into a crouch.
"Ay-Yi-Yi-Yi-Yi-Yi-Yi!!!" Xena ululates as she flips through the air towards the bandit leader, determined to take the fight out of them. The one-eyed man pushes one of his lieutenants in front of him, cowering behind him. Fine, Xena thinks as she runs her sword through the charging oaf's spleen. She ducks away from his diminishing attack, only to find to her horror that her blade is caught in his spine. Relinquishing it, she rolls on the ground to avoid another's attack and comes up with a discarded short sword, casually twirling the weapon with a demonic look in her eyes.
"Who's next?" she asks roughly.
"What?" Joxer frowns as I stop.
"Sorry," I respond in greek. "My native tongue is American. Can you say it?"
"A-meer-i-cahn" Joxer tries, as best he can. "What's wrong? Is the fruit alright? The farmer wanted almost a whole dinar for the bucket. Come on, let's go!"
"Hmmm? Oh yes, it's fine." I say as I bite into it. Yep, it's a tomato alright. A New World vegetable. I catch up to Joxer as the weight of this fact bears down on me.
Something is very wrong here. I had assumed that a tomato on the television show was merely a historical anachronism, like Caesar and David and Hippocrates all existing at the same time. Merely a mistake on the show, right? Let me think... If the tomato is here, then that means that I am not in my world's past. I have traveled not only through time, but across dimensions as well! If I am right, I have entered an alternate reality, where tomatoes are here in the Old World, and historical inaccuracies from the show have somehow been melded into the correct history for this world!
In this world then, the Gods of the ancient Greeks, such as Ares or Aphrodite, are real. The God of the Israelites, (whose son is worshipped over much of my world), may either be a myth or merely another deity in a large pantheon of gods! I shuddered at the import of all this. In my world, all religion is mythological, and science and evolution are considered the correct interpretations. Yet here, in Xena's world, "God" may simply be a jealous "local" god, carefully shepherding his Israelites from other Gods who bestride entire empires in their power.
After interrogating Joxer I determine that the episodes as far as I know them have transpired according to the show, but already the path has begun changing from what I knew would happen here. What does this mean? Where was this "episode" supposed to go? Joxer was supposed to meet Xena and Gabrielle at the pond, so that he could step in and heroically take the blow meant for Gabrielle later in...
"Faster!" I cry to Joxer as I whip his sword out of its scabbard.
"Hey!!!!" Joxer yells as he follows. "A warrior is never parted-"
"Save it." I respond as I tear through the underbrush. If my arrival has caused this dimension to depart from its proper history, then all future "episodes" occurring to Xena and Gabrielle have just become blank, and only the Fates know whether they'll live through their next battle or not!
Freeing herself from being surrounded, Gabrielle catches her breath for a second to realize that more men are rushing her way, apparently figuring her to be easier prey than the armor-clad woman before them. Preparing her stance as they approach, Gabrielle begins her staff shield again. I must time this right, she thinks to herself, as four men try to surround her.
They come, and she deflects two of their attacks with her staff. Gabrielle judges wrong the angle of attack of one swordsman, and she deflects his blade badly, causing her to bop herself with her own staff. This leaves her off-balance for the third's attack, who hits her in the back with his club, knocking the wind out of her.
Joxer and I slow our approach, and I motion to him to shush as we carefully walk closer to the large group in the clearing before us. There are no sounds of battle, and the worry on Joxer's face matches my own as we stealthily approach. (Thank God... er, Zeus he's still wearing his brother's outfit from the last episode, and not all those frying pans!)
I peek behind a tree to see what's going on.
"That's right, you crazy bitch." a swarthy one-eyed man says to Xena. "Put down your sword, or your little honey gets it."
Zeus, I think, it's just like one of those godawful fan fiction stories where Gabby gets captured, and Xena must submit to being put in chains and whipped, etc. in order to free her. Then they bond over the ordeal. Please!
"You sneak around for a chance to come out and surprise one of them." I whisper to Joxer. "I'm going out."
"Well?" the one-eyed bandit demands. Xena glares at him, but her resolve weakens at the sight of Gabrielle helpless before their enemies. If only she had a distraction...
-Slish!-
-Slish!-
The two thugs holding Gabrielle grimace in agony and flop down on the ground, grasping their severed hamstrings. I step up next to Gabrielle. Now, what is a sufficiently corny thing to say in this situation?
"Mind if I cut in on this dance?" I simply state. As everyone stares at me, Gabrielle bends down and retrieves her staff from one of the crippled oafs.
"E-Yi!!!" Xena howls as she executes an astonishing backflip onto the shoulders of the thug behind her. She simply bears in with her weight and sends him headfirst onto a rock. (Not the worst way to die, I think to myself, between Xena's thighs.)
Gabrielle delivers a staff end to the jaw of one of the crippled thugs, and he drops his club and his head. "Jerk." she mutters under her breath.
She steps away from me to get some room for her staff, and I calmly crouch, resting my left hand on my knee as I raise Joxer's sword up behind me. "Come on, dead men!" I shout, meaning it.
Two men rush me, and I see they are used to fighting together. The first will strike high while the other hits low. I give a tight smile before rising to meet them.
"Hah!" Xena yells as she crushes a cheekbone with her sword pommel. She can see three of the thugs finally losing their nerve and fleeing into the woods. About time, she thinks. But then she sees the leader pull a jar out of his pack, ready to heft it.
"Gabrielle!" she yells. "Look out!" She frees her Chakram, about to hurl it, but another bandit is already in her face.
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